The writing of Letters on Life allows me to experience the whole array of emotions ranging from fear and avoidance to satisfaction, confidence, and excitement. This creative process stretches me as I explore new ways of saying things and new ways of looking at things. In some ways the creative process is much like the relationship process. In the relationship process as we explore uncharted territory we often find ourselves having to discover new ways of saying and looking at things. We are never totally prepared for what needs to be done or said so we often avoid what we need to do and what we need to say. When we don,t fully express ourselves, sooner or later what we are withholding from our partner is reflected in our attitudes and conduct. This often leads to feelings of separation and alienation, which defeats the purpose of being in relationship.

Changing the pattern is not easy because for so long we have been doing things by ourselves. That was me. I hadn't had a lot of practice at relationships but had many teachers and mentors and participated in many workshops and other personal growth opportunities. I felt that I had a certain level of understanding of who I was and why I thought the way I did. I was self sufficient and independent and had created a system, albeit not perfect that worked for me. I experienced loneliness more than I liked but could do what I wanted when I wanted.

And then all of a sudden a new teacher came along in the form of a relationship partner. Her name was Sadie. I was no longer lonely but found myself doing things I didn't really want to do. Now there were demands on my time and I had to consider Sadie when making decisions. Initially it was exciting because it was a new relationship but overtime I noticed a routine start to set in and instead of feeling loneliness I felt conflict. The conflict was sometimes with Sadie and sometimes with myself as I started to lose sight of who I really was and what I was about. Both of us had a need for alone time since we had been alone for so long but sometimes the need for aloneness was mistaken as rejection. Our challenge as it is in most relationships was how to balance our need for aloneness with our need for intimacy.

Kabril Gibran in the Prophet says it best: Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music

What further exacerbated the problem was that many of us will do almost anything to avoid conflict and others just don't feel safe in expressing their feelings. Sadie was like that and to a certain extent I was also. Our past history had not provided us a model for safe communication to occur. Whatever the reasons, if there is not an environment for open communication you will find yourself experiencing a sense of separation, alienation and loneliness.

You've heard me say many times that life is full of paradoxes. Perhaps what is most confusing at times is that even when you are in a committed relationship one of you might long for more alone time. The paradox here is that sometimes our need for aloneness conflicts with our need for intimacy. Rather than seeing this need as rejection we can see it as an opportunity to be more intimate with ourselves.
>From this vantagepoint we will have more to give to our partner and to the world.

We all learn from our mistakes and over time we start to get it right. Remember we love our partner, respect them and want to grow with them. We want it to work. Here are some suggestions that have worked for me and my wife Annie. Create a safe haven or environment in which you can be authentic and have honest discussions around potentially challenging subjects such as sex or money just to name a few. An essential component of the safe haven is an agreement that each partner can express themselves without being interrupted. Making this a daily ritual strengthens the safe haven. Part of the ritual envisions that if something might be perceived as negative or perhaps painful it is always followed up with something that is positive. You might start out the conversation in this way. "There is something that I wanted to let you know. When you did this, I felt this." The follow up might be "I really loved it when you did this."

The creation of this safe haven supports you in learning to deeply listen to your partner. Rather than make them wrong, ask yourself what do they really long for! When you fully commit to this deeper listening there is a greater likelihood for real communication to occur and for the relationship to blossom.

Remember that personal growth is a lifelong process whether you are alone or with a partner. It is my belief that partnership accelerates the process. When you embrace relationship as a sacred path, then the ultimate purpose of personal growth, transformation, is more likely to occur. In the process of becoming this expanded and more evolved being, you will positively effect everyone in your sphere and empower others to see what is possible. Relationships are the cornerstone of everything that we are involved in. It is from this expanded sense of what is possible that we can transform our families, our schools, our institutions, our governments and the world we live in.

---

© 2004 Mark Susnow, formerly a trial attorney for 30 years is a coach, speaker, and group facilitator. He's inspired hundreds of people to believe in themselves and to achieve their goals and dreams. Contact Mark now to discover how you can benefit from coaching or subscribe to his newsletter at http://www.inspirepossibility.com